The Root of Bitterness

So, it's been a few weeks since my last post...I've been dealing with a wide range of emotions.  Sometimes, I get so excited thinking about all the possibilities that God has in store for me and then sometimes, I am filled with sadness and anger.  I am trying to be positive, praying for God's will in this next phase of my life.  But there is this ever so subtle whisper in my ear, "you don't deserve this."

The root of bitterness.  I know what it is.  I remember when my husband left that all I wanted was for him to feel the same pain that I felt.  I felt so much hurt and anger and bitterness.  Bitterness is a worm that will slowly eat your heart out, your spiritual heart.  I remember not being able to pray for him and when I did begin to pray, I prayed for God's will to be done, secretly hoping that God would strike him dead or somehow make him realize his mistake and come begging for my forgiveness. It took me literally years of praying before my prayers for my ex-husband weren't filled with anger and bitterness. 

I don't want to be bitter.  It takes all the joy out of life.  It's a spiritual cancer that separates you from the blessings of God.  So, when I feel that seed of bitterness starting to take root, I pray, I cry, I stomp my feet and allow myself to feel hurt and angry, I write on this blog and, I remember all of God's promises and that He will never leave me and that He's working everything out for my good.

A Mustard Seed

On my computer monitor I taped a mustard seed.  I can look at it and know that if I have faith the size of a mustard seed that I can move a mountain.  It's very encouraging to me because the seed is so small.  Imagine if I had faith the size of a pea - I could do anything!  That's uplifting to me because sometimes when I think about going from a full time job to a part time job, I get scared, and I lose my faith that God is going to take care of me.  Even though he's brought me through the death of both of my parents, a divorce, and raising two children as a single parent, I still doubt.  So I taped the mustard seed to my computer so I can constantly be reminded of how big my God is and how He is always faithful to me

It's My Mouth

There's a lot of whining going on, a lot of poor me, a lot of anger.  Not too much gratitude.  What happened?  I started this blog to document my attempt to curb my tongue and capture my thoughts and what I've discovered is that I've spent a lot of time bashing others and whining.

I got put in my place on Friday by my bosses and it's just what I needed.  It opened my eyes up.  They made me realize that I am headed down the wrong path.  And it's my mouth; it's my heart; it's my attitude.  I am not the great employee that I thought I was.  My servant's attitude has been lost.

The good news - I can start again.  But now I see that it has to start with my heart because what's in my heart is what comes out of my mouth and what comes out through my fingers.

Bubbles Bursting

This morning I made the commitment to only speak positive words.  I kept praying about it and did very well until 4:00 pm.  A little background - since January 1, 2005, I have worked full time at my church as the secretary.  I make a decent salary and I get money to help me pay for health insurance and retirement.  I get three weeks of paid vacation and most federal holidays off.

This afternoon I met with the Elders of my church for what I thought was an employee evaluation.  Instead, the Elders told me that they were cutting my hours back to 20 hours a week and cutting my salary in half beginning April 1st.  I was shocked, completely caught off guard, and when the Elders asked me if I had any questions, I responded with, "I don't have anything to say."  When I got home, I cried and told my sister and my kids what had happened.  I will give myself credit for staying pretty positive; I do remember saying that the Elders had thrown me under the bus.  I don't remember much of anything else I've said tonight.  I remember saying that I wanted to stay positive.  I do know that I didn't curse, yell, rant or rave.  I didn't call anyone names.  I went for a walk and prayed.  I think tomorrow will be a bad day and I will have to be mindful of what I say.

I never thought that my job at the church would be in jeopardy or that I'd have to think about finding another part time job.  I dreamed of retiring from the church.  My bubble has been burst.

I Don't Get No Respect

As I'm moving forward, I find myself stuck in a quagmire of anger and hurt; this is a dangerous mix, especially when I'm trying this year to capture my thoughts and keep my tongue under control.  I can only say that over the past couple of days, my tongue has won the battle.  I'm not giving up, I know I've been forgiven, and I know that I'm making progress.

I wish, no, I want respect; I want the Elders at my church and the members of the congregation where I serve to respect me.  I want my children to respect me.  There are a lot of "I's" in this post and as I've been told before, it's not about me.

I'm calling this blog "A greatful journey."  Maybe I need to remember what I'm thankful for - 

• a home with a mortgage payment that I can afford.
• a job.
• a two year old car, which is paid for.
• money in savings.
• two children who love me.
• my dogs who love me unconditionally.
• a Savior that loves me and forgives me
• enough food to eat.
• a warm house to sleep in.
• warm clothes to wear.
• cable TV & internet
• friends and family who love me.

Idioms With The Word "Tongue"

It's been a couple of days, but I've been thinking about the way that we use the word "tongue."  More specifically, I've been looking at idioms with the word "tongue.

First, you have to know what an idiom is:

idiom - 

a group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from those of the individual words (e.g., rain cats and dogs, see the light ).

Here are some of the idioms I've heard in my lifetime:

 

Bite your tongue - Biting your tongue extremely limits your ability to form words and to speak. So when someone tells you to bite your tongue it is because you should be stopped from saying something you may regret later.

Hold (one's) tongue -To be or keep silent.

 

Slip of the tongue - an error in speaking in which a word is pronounced incorrectly, or in which the speaker says something unintentionally.  

Tongue-lashing - a severe scolding. 

 

Sharp tongue - an outspoken or harsh manner; a critical manner of speaking.

 

Keep a civil tongue in your head - (slightly formal) if you tell someone to keep a civil tongue in their head, you are telling them to be polite, especially after they have said something rude (often an order).

Tongue in cheek - if you say something tongue in cheek, what you have said is a joke, although it might seem to be serious.

 

On the tip of one's tongue - [of a thought or idea] about to be said or almost remembered. 

 

 Speak with a forked tongue - to tell lies; to try to deceive someone. (I remember this one from western movies that I watched as a kid).

 

All definitions from www.freedictionary.com

The Will of God

At church and at the NBC (neighborhood bible class) that I attended today, the topic was the "Will of God."

Matthew 7: 21 - 23: "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'  Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you.  Away from Me, you evildoers!'

Only he who does the will of my Father will enter the kingdom of heaven - Jesus' own words.  For me, this is a scary verse, because if I'm not doing the will of God, I won't enter heaven.  It made me stop and think, "Am I doing the will of God?" and how do I know that I'm doing the will of God?

I believe that the Bible is my guide book.  There are commands in the Bible - love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind; love your neighbor as yourself.  More than that though, the Bible is a book of principles, and I believe that I can discern God's will for my life through study of His word and fervent prayer.

I have to admit that, sometimes I make decisions, and then pray for God's will to be in line with my will - that's backwards.  And, it's not just the big decisions that I need to pray about.  Maybe there really aren't any small decisions.  I need to talk to God on a daily basis, without ceasing (very hard for me) and in that way, I can know that I'm doing God's will.